The Protester, A Comedy

 

The following is  a play that was featured in Lumpen 129, “Our First 100 Days” issue. Photo by Dimitre Samarov.

by Jimmy Pivo

 

 

FADE IN

 

Int. Apartment, day

A WOMAN, dressed in conservative business attire, puts on makeup and adds a few clothes to an already full large Louis Vuitton luggage bag. She makes a phone call.

 

WOMAN

Hello, I’m calling to confirm my reservation today for a suite on the 70th floor.

 

RECEPTIONIST

One moment please. Yes, your reservation is confirmed today. Check-in starts at 1pm.

 

WOMAN

Thank you!

 

Ext. Apartment, day

Woman catches taxi. The taxi driver grunts while loading her luggage.

 

Ext. Trump Tower Chicago, day

A crowd of PROTESTERS chanting anti-Trump slogans. Woman exits taxi wearing dark sunglasses. A CONCIERGE approaches amid heckling protesters.

 

DOORMAN

Hello miss, can I help you with your luggage?

 

WOMAN

Please.

 

The doorman lifts heavy luggage from the trunk of the taxi and loads it onto a cart. The woman is heckled by protesters as she enters the lobby of the building.

 

CONCIERGE

Hello miss, sorry for the trouble outside. Are you checking in today?

 

WOMAN

Yes, I have a reservation for room 7024. And you really should do something about those people.

 

CONCIERGE

Yes ma’am, this is an unexpected situation.

 

The Woman pays by credit card, walks down the hallway, enters the elevator, enters the hallway, and uses a key to enter her room on the 70th floor. The Doorman unloads her luggage into the room. She tips him.

 

DOORMAN

Thank you!

 

WOMAN

You are welcome.

 

Int. Room

The door closes and the woman opens her luggage, revealing a 70 pound bag of Quikrete Fast-Set Concrete Mix, dry sponges, cat litter, and various construction tools. She enters the bathroom, unscrews the toilet from the floor and proceeds to pour concrete, dry sponges and cat litter into the hole in the floor. She secures the toilet back on the floor, flushes the toilet, cleans off her hands in the sink and picks up her purse. She places a large bag of tampons into her purse, exits her room and presses the elevator button labeled Bar.

 

Int. Bar

The toilet flushes. The woman exits bar bathroom stall and walks towards the bar with cash in hand.

 

WOMAN

Champagne please. [Pauses.] To Trump!

 

INTERTITLE

Two hours later

 

Int. Front Desk, night

Phones are ringing, and hotel staff are answering phones. Dozens of cleaning staff and management are scrambling into elevators.

 

CONCIERGE (on telephone)

I’m sorry about your shower overflowing, sir. We are having some plumbing issues. We can find another room for you right away.

 

Int. Hotel Room, night

Woman picks up the phone next to the bed in her room. She is holding an empty champagne glass.

 

WOMAN

Hi, front desk? My bathroom isn’t working—can I move to a different room?

 

Int. Other Hotel Room, night

Doorman enters another room with luggage. Woman follows behind.

 

DOORMAN

Sorry about the restroom, miss.

 

WOMAN

It’s okay, these things happen. Thanks for the help.

 

Doorman leaves, door closes, and woman enters bathroom. She proceeds to disassemble the toilet and pour concrete and sponges into the sewer again. She puts the toilet back in place and cleans everything to look as good as new. She calls the front desk.

 

WOMAN

Hi, reception? The bathroom here doesn’t work either! It’s disgusting! I’m going to another hotel. I want my money back.

 

Int. Lobby, night

Woman stands with her luggage at the front desk. Staff and management are scrambling.

 

WOMAN

Thanks for the refund, but I’m still giving you a bad Yelp review.

 

She struts her way out of the building and into the crowd of protesters towards a taxi, pulling her luggage effortlessly behind. She enters the taxi.

 

TAXI DRIVER

Where to?

 

WOMAN

Home Depot.

 

FADE OUT

 

###

You may also like...