The Protester, A Comedy
The following is a play that was featured in Lumpen 129, “Our First 100 Days” issue. Photo by Dimitre Samarov.
by Jimmy Pivo
Int. Apartment, day
A WOMAN, dressed in conservative business attire, puts on makeup and adds a few clothes to an already full large Louis Vuitton luggage bag. She makes a phone call.
Hello, I’m calling to confirm my reservation today for a suite on the 70th floor.
One moment please. Yes, your reservation is confirmed today. Check-in starts at 1pm.
Ext. Apartment, day
Woman catches taxi. The taxi driver grunts while loading her luggage.
Ext. Trump Tower Chicago, day
A crowd of PROTESTERS chanting anti-Trump slogans. Woman exits taxi wearing dark sunglasses. A CONCIERGE approaches amid heckling protesters.
Hello miss, can I help you with your luggage?
The doorman lifts heavy luggage from the trunk of the taxi and loads it onto a cart. The woman is heckled by protesters as she enters the lobby of the building.
Hello miss, sorry for the trouble outside. Are you checking in today?
Yes, I have a reservation for room 7024. And you really should do something about those people.
Yes ma’am, this is an unexpected situation.
The Woman pays by credit card, walks down the hallway, enters the elevator, enters the hallway, and uses a key to enter her room on the 70th floor. The Doorman unloads her luggage into the room. She tips him.
You are welcome.
The door closes and the woman opens her luggage, revealing a 70 pound bag of Quikrete Fast-Set Concrete Mix, dry sponges, cat litter, and various construction tools. She enters the bathroom, unscrews the toilet from the floor and proceeds to pour concrete, dry sponges and cat litter into the hole in the floor. She secures the toilet back on the floor, flushes the toilet, cleans off her hands in the sink and picks up her purse. She places a large bag of tampons into her purse, exits her room and presses the elevator button labeled Bar.
The toilet flushes. The woman exits bar bathroom stall and walks towards the bar with cash in hand.
Champagne please. [Pauses.] To Trump!
Two hours later
Int. Front Desk, night
Phones are ringing, and hotel staff are answering phones. Dozens of cleaning staff and management are scrambling into elevators.
CONCIERGE (on telephone)
I’m sorry about your shower overflowing, sir. We are having some plumbing issues. We can find another room for you right away.
Int. Hotel Room, night
Woman picks up the phone next to the bed in her room. She is holding an empty champagne glass.
Hi, front desk? My bathroom isn’t working—can I move to a different room?
Int. Other Hotel Room, night
Doorman enters another room with luggage. Woman follows behind.
Sorry about the restroom, miss.
It’s okay, these things happen. Thanks for the help.
Doorman leaves, door closes, and woman enters bathroom. She proceeds to disassemble the toilet and pour concrete and sponges into the sewer again. She puts the toilet back in place and cleans everything to look as good as new. She calls the front desk.
Hi, reception? The bathroom here doesn’t work either! It’s disgusting! I’m going to another hotel. I want my money back.
Int. Lobby, night
Woman stands with her luggage at the front desk. Staff and management are scrambling.
Thanks for the refund, but I’m still giving you a bad Yelp review.
She struts her way out of the building and into the crowd of protesters towards a taxi, pulling her luggage effortlessly behind. She enters the taxi.