Jagoff of the Week: The “I Never Complain About The Weather, But…” Weather-Complaining Jagoff

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The “I Never Complain About The Weather, But…” Weather-Complaining Jagoff
Sam Weiner

Chicagoans can deal with winter. They persevere through cold snap after cold snap and unlike those whiners in LA or New York who can’t handle a couple days of below-freezing temps, most Chicagoans never complain. Which is why the few Chicagoans who do complain feel the need to always preface their complaints by saying, “Now, I never complain about the weather . . . [but let me complain about it right now].”

This particular type of jagoff would have us believe that he’d never stoop so low as to grumble about the cold–yet he simply must do so at this extraordinary moment. He is a model of perseverance, a hero of immense fortitude, but even he, who NEVER complains, finds that he must complain about being cold, if only to warn others!

He knows he should be ashamed of his inability to bear the weather. So he hopes that by adding that he, “Never complains, but…” his audience will forgive his childish sensitivity to the cold and that he doesn’t seem to understand that they are all dealing with the EXACT SAME WEATHER.

Here’s a tip for these jagoffs: Shut up. Everyone knows it’s cold. The weather you’re currently complaining about is not especially bad, or historically bad, or even the most bad you’ve personally experienced. It’s just normal bad. Because in Chicago, the worst possible bad weather is still normal. And if you’re going to complain about bad weather, spare us the “I never complain, but” lead-in and cut to your jagoff point.

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