Jagoff of the Week: Slow-Walking Cell Phone on Metra Platform


Slow-Walking Cell Phone on Metra Platform

by Max Norton

Taking the Metra into the city ain’t half bad, but it doesn’t matter whether your train is pulling into Ogilvie, Union Station, or LaSalle Street, you will always find this little jag blocking you whenever you’re in a hurry. More times than not, this is a five-foot tall girl in her early twenties wearing a silk scarf regardless of the season. For this little jagoff, it doesn’t matter that hundreds of tired, hard-working people are trying to get to work on time, or trying to get home after a long day. Because none of those people matter, or even exist, for this little jagoff. There is only her. This is her world and she is the queen. And her millions of followers cannot go another moment waiting for her to post a selfie on insta, or tweet about her fascinating day: #trainlyfe #newscarf. If you get stuck behind her, you’re fucked. She moves like a snail on heroin. You can see an obvious obstruction of flow ahead, but cannot determine the cause. She is too short to see in the crowd. You’re stuck behind her until she comes to a dead stop, dead center in front of the exit. She needs to pin the most important thing on Pinterest before she ventures out into the either way too hot or way too cold for her beautiful scarf weather.

This originally ran in our special Lumpen Field Guide to Chicago Jagoffs.

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