Jagoff of the Week: People Who Grew Up On Wine Coolers Jagoffs

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People Who Grew Up On Wine Coolers Jagoffs
by Peter Hand

The microbrew jagoff hails beverages that are “tasty.” “Tasty.”

A Starbucks Frappuccino is tasty. A pumpkin spice latte is tasty.

Beer is not tasty.

Beer tastes like beer, the beverage that didn’t go down as easy as a tasty, say, Kool-Aid … when you were nine and had stolen your first beer. God made it that way so nine-year-olds don’t drink so much beer as to get drunk (if nine-year-olds are gonna get drunk it should be on schnapps or Bacardi Breezers or something… tasty ).

The fruity microbrew jagoff grew up on Zima, or Bartles & Jaymes… then had to stomach cheap beer to get through life on the land-grant quad… then when he can finally afford it, he finds a pumpkin spice ale.

Oatmeal. Nut brown. These are the flavors your Aunt Fannie enjoys… of General Foods International Coffees and store-brand cookies.

Good beer is to cheap beer what steak is to hamburger… you don’t graduate from hamburger to Pop Tarts. Jever or Radeberger or Lezajsk or Pilsner Urquell don’t taste like Bud Light, but they don’t taste like blueberries either.

This originally ran in our special Lumpen Field Guide to Chicago Jagoffs.

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