I bought myself 2,500 Twitter followers for my birthday and I deserve every last one of them.
Recently I’ve been getting a lot of questions that look like this:
@hipfun did u buy a bunch of followers lol
— sam leo stecklow (@samstecky) April 15, 2015
The answer to this question: Yes, it is true, I did buy followers, but fuck you if you think that means I don’t deserve them. Like the following celebrities who are rumored to have purchased Twitter followers: Justin Bieber, Magic! (the Canadian Reggae band with the hit single “Rude”), Mike Huckabee, Sal Khan, and even Jennifer Lopez, for my 20th birthday I gave myself the gift of adequate Twitter recognition.
Upon turning 20 I took inventory of my life thus far. Great friends? Check. Great boyfriend? Check. Great skin? Check. The only thing missing? You guessed it, the amount of Twitter followers my Grade A tweets should have entitled me to.
What does turning 20 with only 255 Twitter followers to your handle look like?
I realized I couldn’t enter another year of life without the recognition my Twitter so rightfully deserved. I knew my low follower count was objectively unfair; my tweets are incredible. That being said, I’m also a reasonable person and I know that things aren’t always fair, and that there are plenty of Twitter accounts that are over-recognized while mine goes entirely unacknowledged.
For example, let’s take Shelby Fero: Twitter wunderkind, superstar and over adequately appreciated figure in the Twitter universe. For those of you who are unfamiliar with Shelby Fero, she is a woman merely a year my senior whose tweets, while admittedly amusing at times, are nowhere near the quality of my own.
A Shelby Fero tweet:
Daaaaaaaammmmnnn, just got an EMAIL from Adobe askin' me why I haven't updated yet — U GOTTA PLAY IT COOOL ADOBE IF WE EVER GONNA FUCK!!
— shelby fero (@shelbyfero) June 29, 2015
A Dana Donnelly tweet:
— Dana Donnelly (@hipfun) May 17, 2015
Is it fair that my tweets are far superior to those of Shelby Fero’s and yet I have .22% of the followers she does? Are her tweets really 45,500% better than mine? I asked myself and some choice people around me this question. The consensus? No, they aren’t. While some people did enjoy her tweets more, they admitted they did not enjoy them 45,500% more. “23,000% more, max,” my 13-year-old cousin Jenny told me.
I clearly wasn’t the only one who recognized the discrepancy between the amount of followers I had and the amount of followers I deserved, so I took it upon myself to bridge that divide by buying followers. At the time of my purchase, Shelby Fero had approximately 107K followers. I recognized that while I clearly did deserve a comparable following, buying upwards of 100K followers seemed a little obvious and I am all about subtlety. So I chose to buy 2,500; a modest number, and extremely believable given the quality of my tweets.
This is America, the country where if you have a problem, it is on you to solve it. If you see an injustice taking place, it is on you to rectify it. Here in America, the fastest way to solve a problem is to throw cash at it. This method works for Conrad Hilton and there is no reason it won’t also work for you. The government is of no help to anyone, and if any of you are planning to vote for Hillary Clinton on the premise that she will help you get the Twitter followers you’re rightfully entitled to, don’t. She won’t. Save the $20 you would have spent on a Hillary Clinton 2016 shirt, log on to devumi.com and spend it on the followers you deserve.
Who would I be if I simply accepted my low follower count at face value? Not a true American, that’s for sure. I took matters into my own hands and rectified my injustice. So yes, I spent $15 on 2,500 Twitter followers and I am not sorry. Obviously, I’m not thrilled about the fact that my talent and genius were not apparent enough to warrant me the followers I deserve, but I’ll say it again: life’s not fair. The internet is a big place and it’s easy to get overlooked even when you are (and though I don’t subscribe to labels, this is just how I’ve heard other people describe me) sharp, funny, and yes, even brilliant. Welcome to America.
So before you judge me, go scroll through my tweets and tell me I don’t deserve the 2,500 followers I bought. I dare you.