Advice On How To Survive the Trumpertainment Administration
The following is a letter to John Daley, Host of Radio Free Bridgeport on Lumpen Radio 105.FM, from The Maniac, a long time contributor to the show.
My Good Man Johnny Chicago-
How the heck are you, wildman? Maniac here. I am writing to you because some people on the mainland United States appear to be loosing their marbles over the election of Humpty Trumpty as Grand Poohbah of the Executive Branch down there in the Swampland just south of Baltimore, home of that other bottom crawler, the crab.
Now, don’t you question the fact that a Maine lobster can kick the daylights out of a Maryland crab every day of the week, and on Sundays, no doubt. But eating those crab cakes in Baltimore is a fine thing to do, which I believe will still be permitted under a Tman Administration. Heck, I bet that Donnyboy will be eating many a crab cake during the next four years, but none of them will taste as nice as the Maine lobsters he will be eating. I actually heard a rumor that he once hired some Russian ladies of the wee hours to crush and snort dried lobster shells off of the navel area of “multi-dimensional friendlies”, who happen to be into that kind of thing…but I digress…
You may want to have a few tips on how to survive the next six months of the Wild Daze of Washington, which likely will settle down by this August when Mr. Pence takes over the top job. You see, John, I just do not see the D Team staying in office for that long, considering what that man has on his mind, with all of that bizneth to attend to that he thinks he can ignore but he caint. Biz is biz Johnny. It just is.
In the meantime, you have to hydrate, with more than just water. Fresh lemon is good in your water, particularly in the morning. Try to eat Acai bowls as much as possible and have dates and figs for an evening snack. I crush them with cashews and almonds, drizzle with honey and sprinkle with cinnamon. You see, as long as there is a decent food supply, you should be more happy with that than upset with Trumpdilidingdong. He probably will not screw up the food web.
But just in case the Hairmaster Funkboy finds a way to screw up the food web, you probably should buy a few high powered crossbows for insurance, along with about 3000 arrows for said bows. You see, the crossbow, preferable with a laser guided scope, is the best insurance policy a human being can have in the event of a food web crisis. Silent, accurate, and lethal from great distance is a good combination.
And make sure to do a lot of yoga and smoke and/or eat large quantities of organically grown herbs, preferable cannabis. Focus on the quantum mind-bending multi-verse that seems to be powered by our individual spirits as they meld and gel with the common unconscious as an eternal one act play of infinity repeats itself, which means that El Trumperino has always been El Presidente and not at the same time outside of time for all time and no time at a Macy’s in Toledo and Joe’s in Santa Barbara on rainy, sunny, and snowy daze before there was corn and there only was maize.
Get over it. Get under it. Beside it. Heck, boy, get in it. Apply for a job with Grandiose Trumpiose and his Confederacy of Dunces a la the other Mr. Kennedy, a writer most worthy of noble geometry and symmetry. The wise man knows he is stupid and plans accordingly, so make sure to have a minimum of 5 gallons of quality olive oil in no more than 16 ounce bottles in your house at all time, with a minimum of 2 gallons from Greece, because it is more than just the word but rather home to some nice olives, my friend.
500 pounds of rice is a good idea too. Along with 350,000 calories of dried fruits and nuts.
Just saying that being able to stay home for a couple of years is not a bad idea. Comrade Trumpanov is a wildcard.
My final piece of advice for you to survive a Trumpertainment administration is simple. Move to a solar powered island off of the coast of Maine and learn to fish, my good man…